It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
zippers are such a cool invention
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
