Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
