My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
