New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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