Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
