guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary