You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."