it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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