Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
