finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
