that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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