The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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