What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
