the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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