Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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