Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
