theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
