i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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