you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
