It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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