Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
