Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
