We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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