you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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