Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things šš
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You couldnāt remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders āunlimited hand frittersā if they wouldnāt cut you off.
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