so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
