take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
