Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
