Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
