please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
