i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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