Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
