you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
