Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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