theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We don't watch enough power rangers
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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