tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
They took my balls.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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