I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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