onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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