i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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