Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just forgot I was standing up.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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