Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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