dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
