You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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