just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
