You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
