wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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