im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
