im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish you could order shots online.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
