I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
