I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
