Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
