So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my being single is dangerous.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
