you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
