He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
