I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
