Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
