i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
