this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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