Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
