Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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