even my farts smell like vagina
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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