I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
