News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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