I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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